When I say adventurous sex, many of you will immediately think of the realm of your external terrain – techniques, positions, props, and settings. There are many books to instruct methods and inspirations for enhancing sexual experience via your external terrain (for a list of good books, contact me here). There are times when these guides are handy and help to spice up a sexual routine that has become, well, routine.
However, there are many lovers who feel reluctant to pick up a book and follow paint-by-numbers instructions. Perhaps it is intimidating (if I don’t do it right, or look right, there is something wrong with me), perhaps it is awkward (I feel strange even thinking about doing that!), or perhaps it feels inauthentic all together (if it doesn’t feel natural, I won’t enjoy it). In a consumer-based society our minds are set up to first consider what we can acquire to feel fulfilled when many of the answers we seek are found already existing in our own bodies. So, before you pick up these books about your external terrain, add some internal resources to your intimate toolbox.
As a body-based psychotherapist I am very interested in how our internal terrain can offer an adventure of sexual self-exploration. Remember what I’ve said before: “we are apprentices to our own sexuality and the sexuality of our partner.” This could mean testing out a bunch vibrating toys on your partner. It can also mean that you engage your internal sense of your sexuality in a new way. Besides, intimate comes from the latin word for intus, meaning within. Not sure what I mean? Read on.
Two Fundamental Tools
1. What you feed with attention grows:
Awareness is a powerful tool when it comes to sex. Next time you make love to your partner ask yourself “what am I paying attention to?” You may notice your mind popping back and forth between fantasy, movement, eyes, laundry, naked skin, work tomorrow ….you get the idea. Our awareness naturally has a “monkey mind” quality to it, even during sex (sometimes especially during sex). My encouragement here is to consciously, and non-judmentally, focus your awareness on following the direction of pleasure in your body. Where does it go? Where does it begin? Like following a ball of string through a labyrinth, pleasure has a pathway through your nervous system that, when followed with open curiosity, can guide you into new realms of bliss and connection.
2. Where breath flows, so does sensation:
Your breath is the only automatic body process that we have conscious control of when we so choose. What do you notice about your breath when you are intimate with your partner? Do you hold your breath or only breathe in the upper portion of your lungs? By consciously breathing more fully into your lungs, belly, pelvis, top of your head, tips of your toes, you can carry sensation into more of your body. In addition, breathing with your partner can evoke a connection that is deeply intimate and increases your emotional, physical, mental, and/or spiritual interconnectivity. Try out different ways of breathing as you explore its impact on your sexual experience and orgasm.
Enjoy exploring and remember the most profound adventures are rooted in your connection with your internal terrain.